Sunday, March 22, 2009

Catapulting My Troubles Away

Children enjoy to think of things that they want to be or want to do someday when they become adults. Back in the day it was being a firefighter, carpenter, dentist, astronaut, etc. and nowadays we see children talking about being video game makers or runners of accountant firms (they're getting too smart . . .). As a child, I was uncertain with where I wanted to go in life. In my kindergarten play that had the theme of what we wanted to be when we were grown-up, I was a carpenter. Did I want to be a carpenter at the time? Maybe. My father is one and most children seek their parents as role models. I then converted over to wanting to be a teacher in my early elementary school years. I think the majority of children at that age have dreams of teaching because they want to someday reign over children like they are currently being reigned over. I used to play school by myself with stuffed animals or action figures as my students (I know -- pathetic). I remember a specific account where I had a single pupil, which was a Digimon action figure known as Wormmon, and I taught him math and even made up lesson plans, workbook sheets, etc. Eventually I aged, learnt more about the real world, and figured that teachers, for the amount of work they must do and how they must practically babysit a large room of kids, earn enough money that some must work a second job just to survive. Maybe the reality of it hit me when I realized that I had a hard time maintaining control of my nephew and nieces when trying to get them to behave. Just imagine them multiplied by ten! That's an average classroom. After that, I had fantasies of making video games, then I learnt that the video game industry was stressful and your pay was determined on how well the game sold and et cetera, et cetera. Somehow I got to my current status (and finalized the decision) of wanting to become a computer software engineer. That path will begin in the matter of a few months when I head off to the University of Scranton to major in computer science. I hope my senioritis goes away by the start of the semester.

I spent all day yesterday building a catapult with Matt. Before the government arrests me for making weapons, I'd like to do the pleasure of assuring them that we were forced to construct it as it's a physics project that's due Tuesday. The catapult came out pretty well. We had two problems with it though. The one time when we were testing it, the force from the lever arm was so powerful (due to the spring that we used) that it destroyed the stopper. The stopper was a block of wood held on by two triangular pieces of plywood. The plywood, which I originally had doubts about because it's thin and looks weak, broke. We fixed that problem by taking the stopper apart, doubling the plywood on the sides, and reassembling it. After testing it by flinging an actual projectile, a pine-cone, down my alleyway, a new problem arose -- the bottom of the lever arm where the fulcrum is located cracked down the middle. My father helped by nailing the lever arm where the crack was to hopefully prevent it from splitting more and adding some soft material to the stopper so that this material absorbs some of the force of impact and therefore causing less tension in the lever arm. This absorbent material, however, caused the angle of the lever arm to be less than forty-five degrees when the egg is to be launched from the catapult. Once we got this all straightened out, Matt and I ran over to the Archbald Pothole State Park (and not the infamous section of it but rather the sports complex) and tested the catapult one final time by launching an actual egg into the woods. The egg launched about thirty-seven feet from the catapult, but it veered to the right from the intended trajectory due to the lever arm being at a slight angle. The lever arm didn't crack anymore, thankfully. We're not playing with it anymore to be safe. Before Matt's mother picked him up, we quickly spray-painted the catapult orange and pink. It's safe to say that we may have the sexiest catapult in our class.

Our physics teacher is such a tyrant. Not only is this catapult due Tuesday, but we have a few hundred worksheets due tomorrow, we're supposed to have a one-page paper, about a class lab that we had twenty-five minutes to complete without any steps to follow because we had to make the procedure up on our own about how much potential energy of a metal ball rolling down a rollercoaster apparatus is converted to thermal energy, done for tomorrow even though the class didn't get to complete the lab, and we have another lab due tomorrow that makes very little sense. On top of this I have a calculus test tomorrow on material that I do not understand. I didn't exactly do the homework in there for this chapter either . . . so I'm a worrywart today. I'm also a worrywart in regards to more personal issues that I'm disputing with myself over and that I cannot disclose to the public. I don't even know where to begin with all this work that I have to do. My father expects me to have some scholarships done for tomorrow, I have an English quiz and statistics quiz tomorrow and Tuesday, respectively, I have to start working on my senior project paper that's due April 1st, I'm trying to decide if I want to go on a senior class field trip or not . . . it's terrible . . .

I'm going to go run off and read for a bit before I begin my workload. Have a good one!

[EDIT] -- The intended purpose of the first paragraph was to go on about childhood expectations and then to say, at the end, that "I never expected to one day build a catapult", but that goal got lost in my rambling. If you were wondering why I brought up my childhood goals, now you know why.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

My "Bookshelf"

I always like to keep a record of the books I have read in the past as well as books I am currently reading. I have kept lists on many different sites, such as MySpace and my server at brokentypos.com, but they became a bit wearisome to maintain (having to log into my server, accessing the correct port, etc.). Therefore, I'm just going to place the list here which I will update frequently. This is more of a personal thing that you undoubtedly have no interest in. Run away then if you fall into the category of not giving a damn. If you're a curious individual though, feel free to glance at my not the best reading collection. Have a good one!


My "Bookshelf":


Currently Reading:
    The Picture of Dorian Gray and Other Writings (also includes Lady Windermere's Fan, Salome, An Ideal Husband, The Importance of Being Earnest, and The Ballad of Reading Gaol) by Oscar Wilde


Read "Hard Copy" Books:

    Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
Stephen King Goes to the Movies (featuring 1408, The Mangler, Hearts in Atlantis ["Low Men in Yellow Coats"], The Shawshank Redemption ["Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption"], and Children of the Corn) by Stephen King
    Schindler's List by Thomas Keneally
    The Hummingbird Wizard by Meredith Blevins **
    How to Write & Sell Your First Novel ('97 revision) by Oscar Collier with Frances Spatz Leighton **
    The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide by Douglas Adams
    Gulliver’s Travels And “A Modest Proposal“ by Jonathan Swift
    Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli
    The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald *
    The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne *
    Brave New World by Aldous Huxley *
    Oscar Wilde and a Death of No Importance by Gyles Daubeney Brandreth
    The Exorcist by William Peter Blatty
    The Warcraft Archive (features Day of the Dragon, Lord of the Clans, The Last Guardian, and Of Blood and Honor) by Richard A. Knaak, Christie Golden, Jeff Grubb, and Chris Metzen
    Eldest (Inheritance, Book 2) by Christopher Paolini
    Eragon (Inheritance, Book 1) by Christopher Paolini
    Harry Potter (series) by J. K. Rowling
    The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck *
    Lord of the Flies by William Golding *
    The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck *
    The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger

Read Electronic Books/Short Stories:


(*) Required reading
(**) Borrowed from library

Friday, March 13, 2009

Epic Win

After a rather stressful and discombobulating week in which my only topic of reflection was getting my drivers' license, I may finally take a breath, lift the burden off my shoulders, and glance at my glossy temporary drivers' license that now rests smugly in my wallet. God does it feel good.

My only mishap was parallel parking, in which I was nowhere near the curb and got stuck in a dip and had to apply the gas (which is terrifying when you're so close to the barrels) when trying to get closer, but my "guy" (I can't think of a more suitable title at this time) was alright with it and told me to proceed. After the parallel parking, I was calm. I did everything right from that moment on. However, two mishaps could've happened if I wasn't alert and attentive to the road and my surroundings. While practicing with Driver Dan on the course that the test would take me on (God bless him -- he's a great teacher even though I never got used to his car) I never had to once stop at this one stop-walk because nobody ever crossed it while I was driving through with him. So what happens when I'm taking my road test? An elderly woman taking her good ol' time crossing the walk. I'm a patient person having grew up as a hunter and I could've waited there all day if I had to, but when I'm taking a test that determines if I'm going to leave the Dunmore DMV empty-handed or not, I'm going to be a bit impatient to get it over with. My second possible incident could've happened right at the driveway leading into the DMV where I had to turn. Two individuals were walking from the DMV and were about to walk out in front of me without looking but thankfully they looked and stopped themselves. If I wasn't taking the test, I would've checked my rear view mirror and if no cars were coming I would've stopped to let them go, but dammit, I'm coming through because I'm seconds away from passing my test! Oh, and I left my blinker on after making a turn and realized five seconds later that it was still clicking away and turned it off. "Guy" said nothing about it. "Guy" didn't even come out directly and tell me what the result of my test was. He just said, "Go in and get your picture taken."

When I was leaving the DMV with Driver Dan, I witnessed a poor woman fail her test. I was coming around behind the DMV where the test begins and a large SUV-like vehicle was doing the parallel parking portion of the test. I stopped and waited for her to pull into the parking space before I proceeded. I didn't have to wait long. This was what I saw: pull up, reverse to the right, two barrels knocked over, abruptly stopped, pulled up quick, stopped. Failed. If I witnessed that before my test, I would've wet myself. Thankfully my proof of passing the test was in my pocket at the time and I was leaving the DMV (hopefully) for the last time.

I still can't drive. I have no insurance and my father can't set any up until Monday, which is a shame because I have to get to Borders to do research for a paper due Monday that I didn't start yet, and I will need a ride to go to Lauren's softball game on Monday. However, I'm halfway there. I got my license. The hard part is however. Praise the Lord! I wonder what it'll be like driving on my own, nobody in the car to talk to or distract me. I can plug in my iPod and listen to music while cruising down Route 6. I can drive to work now and won't have to depend on my father to take me. Life is great.

I'm going to read my Stephen King book now in peace. I got to a good part before I had to go take my test and I couldn't read with a concentrated mind at the time. Now I have nothing to worry about.

Have a good one!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Another One?

I feel like writing another entry. When you have the urge to write, the urge to express yourself through the art of words, then by golly you should do it. I have no need to be formal. I can go as e e cummings as I want to in my blog entries. If somebody wants to criticize me, then so be it. I'll be sure to let it go into one ear and out the other. However, I do sometimes write so much that either my typing finger will begin to ache or I'll get a headache. That recent entry I wrote about my school's curriculum which was supposed to act as an informal guide really did a dandy on my head. I walked away from the writing of that post feel quite feverous. I was also sick at the time, home from school with a viral sinus infection, so maybe that explains the feverous headache a bit.

Did you ever play the computer game called Doom? I never did until recently, when Chris and Ryan suggested that I download the game in order to play at LAN Party Saturdays that Ryan has at his house. The only attendees of the party are Ryan, Chris, and me, but three is enough to have a blast over a game where you, well, blast the hell out of demons with an array of firearms, rockets, laser guns, etc. It's also the only time where I get stressed out enough to curse over the game. That's why I don't play video games anymore that require skill to play -- I don't have the skill and as a result I get high blood pressure. Television and video games, two entertainment elements that I grew up on as a child, I no longer incorporate into my life. Sometimes I'll get trapped in to watching television when I walk by, see something interesting that my mother and/or grandmother is watching, and I sit down to watch it with them, but this rarely occurs. Video games, besides the occasional playing of Runescape, Trickster Online, or Doom, don't exist to me anymore. I seem like I have more free time when my mind is not distracted by these entertainment means. I already don't trust television -- I see it as a way for the government to distract us and to brainwash us with falsities. I also hate our society sometimes and by watching TV, which depicts our society, it's like standing by the doors leading into Wal-Mart for a day and witnessing a few fender-benders, a few couples fighting, some road rage, a few shoplifters -- y'know, the usual. I don't believe video games are used to distract though. Video games were invented for the pure joy of interacting with a virtual environment, and they still present that joy today.

I best stop writing before I get another feverous headache. Yet again, have a good one.

Homework Break

Big day in two days. Why? Friday is the date of my road test. Yes, I am eighteen years of age, a senior in high school, and I still do not possess my drivers' license. I actually got my permit only recently too around the middle of November. I'm slow at developing these practical skills, I guess. I learned how to tie my shoes at the age of twelve and learned how to ride a bike only a year later. Other life skills, such as cooking, doing laundry, mowing the grass, etc. I still do not know. I ought to learn them soon. I'll be sent off into the ugly world in a matter of three months after graduation. Well, actually that's a lie. I still have four years of staying at home during college to learn those skills. I'm only going to school about fifteen miles away at the University of Scranton.

My mother is downstairs calling everybody, receiving calls, and gossiping away. There was a crash on Route 107 (initially she was told that it was on the Casey Highway [or maybe it was business Route 6] which is on the opposite side of the valley) -- a "bad accident" as she phrased it. It was so bad that a helicopter had to land at a church hall in East Jermyn in order to get the injured person(s) to the hospital as soon as possible. I think she lives for these events sometimes. These horrific events, reality television, and yelling at me -- that's her livelihood in a nutshell. There's nothing better than going downstairs to brush my teeth or to grab a bowl of chips and see my mother and grandmother watching television and having debates about what color the girl's dress is on Dancing with the Stars. However, accidents, like these, do highly concern me. I believe I adopted this trait from my mother, which is that whenever I hear about a crash or some other type of accident, I immediately start to fear and have anxiety about if one of the people in the crashes is somebody that I love and care for or is a good friend of mine. Even if I'm not friends with somebody but I still know them, I don't want to wish that anybody gets hurt in such a terrifying way as an accident. Actually, upon hearing of the wreck, my first instinct would normally be to call Lauren to check up on her (unless I was originally talking to her -- then I would know that she was safe at home or wherever), but I know that she's at softball practice at the school and not out on the road. This wreck also instills fear in me because the place of the accident, Route 107 near the gas station, is a spot where I drove by with my father on my way to visit Lauren for a quick minute only two hours ago. What happens if I went two hours later?

My mind is nuts like that. I scare and worry myself all the time. For example, I have been stressing so much about my road test on Friday that I'm about to flip. I should have no reason to be concerned. I drove fine today for almost two hours. However, whenever I go out driving with my driving instructor who goes by the name of Driver Dan, I get nervous and make a few mistakes. I was a mess on Monday. I screwed up parallel parking a few times, forgot to turn off my blinker a few times, ran over an ocean of potholes, had two different mishaps at this one stop sign (I swear that his brakes need to be readjusted), forgot to turn on my blinkers before regular parking (I always remember to do so for parallel parking), and . . . ugh. Not a good day at all. I'm going out again tomorrow so hopefully I can make up for Monday. I'm not fond of his car and I have to use the same one for Friday. I like my PT Cruiser . . . not that blue thing with bad brakes that he owns.

I best be gone. I have supper ready for me on the table. It'll get cold soon. Have a good one!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Academic Failures at Lakeland

Notice: This entry is aimed at the students of Lakeland Jr/Sr High School in Jermyn, Pennsylvania. Most of the advice issued in this entry may not apply to other schools that have different curricula. However, it may still help, so please do not be turned off from reading this just because you do not fit into the main audience aim. 

Many students take education for granted. These students survive in school by taking steps to undermine any advances in their learning, such as copying homework, getting questions/answers from a test in advance, etc. However, there are the students who do want to succeed by putting in their best personal effort needed in order to get the most of their learned education. I wish to write up an informal guide to lead these specific students into the right direction and I hope to intervene early enough in their educational career to be of vital influence before it's too late. If you barely pass in ninth and tenth grade and hope to improve your overall GPA so that colleges will come begging you to go to their universities, then think again. You're doomed. I'm not going to be a lying optimistic and say otherwise. You need to start strong from the start and even surprise yourself. A lot of what I hope to tell you (unless that headache that has been sickening me for the last few days hinders this writing process) has probably already been issued forth from teachers, guidance counselors, and possibly even the administration, but I believe that hearing this from a fellow student, a high school senior that is in the top 1% of his graduating class in rank, would mean a lot more to you. Those guys may like to shoot the bull with you, but I'm going to be as frank as possible. 

Lakeland does not have a middle school. Sixth graders stay at their respective local elementary schools (as Lakeland has two) while the seventh and eighth graders enter the facility that also houses ninth to twelfth grade students and moldy ceiling tiles. Before I continue, I would like to disclose that anything I say past this point may no longer apply as I am recalling all of this from memory and not from today's actual classes since a lot has changed over the years that I had attended Lakeland, such as teachers coming and going. Also, I'm going to assume that you're a student that is in all of the advanced classes (besides AP English and AP biology -- as the former is a joke in terms of the teaching and the latter is a very rigorous class that ones with weak hearts should not take . . . and well, you won't have to take these until senior year so this really won't apply to anything I have to say anyway). 

Seventh grade is a very important, but overlooked, year of schooling. Seventh grade offers classes that will build the foundations for the rest of your high school and even college learning, such as pre-algebra and . . . well, that's pretty much it. However, this does not mean that geography is not important! What I meant by building the foundations is that you're going to learn more on the subject matter and build onto it. Pre-algebra is just the beginning in your math career. Solving for the variable 'x' may seem difficult at first and the concept of negative numbers may blow you out of the water, but you can do it! Once you're in AP calculus, algebra will be as simple as basic arithmetic. However, yet again, I must exclaim that geography is a very crucial class to pay attention in and to learn the material! I am ashamed that I took this class for granted at the time. It's embarrassing when you don't know the capitals to the states of the US, or where Portugal is in respect to Germany. It's embarrassing to some who study a foreign language and cannot identify the mother nation of their second language on an unlabeled map. It's embarrassing studying world cultures or American history and not having a clue what's going on in the context of some war because you cannot visualize the distance one army traveled to fight another. Even though none of this happened to me as I developed a keen interest in maps over the years, I cannot stress enough that you should freaking pay attention in geography! Most seventh graders are too young and naive to understand that things they are learning now are important for their future education and understanding of concepts!

Continuing in my ranting about seventh grade, you may ask me, "Well, what about the other classes like reading, English, science, art, music, etc.?" While you have to take English every year of your life in high school, seventh grade English, from what I remember, may be the most important of them all. Actually, any English class that is more based on grammar rather than literature is very important in my book. While it is vital to read and learn about the various types of literature and literary topics, I can't stress enough that you'll be writing for the rest of your life, and knowing how to write will make writing that much more easier. I probably have more than a handful of grammar errors in this entry and every entry I ever wrote because I took these grammar lessons, yet again, for granted. Over the years I have purchased an array of grammar books to reteach myself the fine points of English grammar, yet I never finished one so . . . anyway, what I'm trying to say is: pay attention and learn grammar when you're forced to in class! Even if the teacher tries to poke in literature, such as the overrated and I'm-sick-of-seeing-this-year-after-year story of the Odyssey, you shouldn't turn off your pay-attention button as whatever you learn this early on in the game will surely shape your future educational career. 

What about seventh grade science? Well, we had earth science (or something like that) at the time. The teacher was a babbling buffoon that would rather give lectures to us on the late Pope and varieties of pickles than to teach us about earth science. This class is sort of a prelude to biology, which is taken in tenth grade, but since the gap from seventh to tenth is so large, don't stress about retaining the material. Science at Lakeland is hard to build upon, because once you build a foundation, there's no more raw materials being supplied for the rest of the building until a much later year. Even the gap from pre-chemistry in ninth grade and AP chemistry in eleventh grade hurts. So in terms of science, just do it. Learn it if you have an interest in it or you plan on majoring in it, but otherwise, do it, get A's, and run. 

Reading class? This class stressed on reading books and learning vocabulary. Maybe this class exists so that English can focus more on grammar than on literature? Who knows? What I do know, however, is that this class is another joke. I do agree on two things that this class does preach -- read a lot and learn vocabulary. If you're not a reader, then become a reader. The SAT has a reading, writing, and math section, with the writing section barely considered at most colleges nowadays (yet this may change by the time you're applying for schools). The reading section tests you mostly on reading passages and answering analytical questions based on them, and answering questions that could only be answered by understanding the words that they ask you to place in the blank or do something else with. Therefore, by reading and exposing yourself to words and how they fit in with the context of one another, you are actually studying for the SAT. Now . . . the school will stress at first that you should read to do well on the PSSA. The PSSA is a joke, in a sense, as the school wants you to do well on it because it makes the school look good and they receive some sums of money based on your test scores. Do well on the PSSA in eleventh grade, however, as getting 'advanced' scores on the respective test sections can get you exempt from taking any English, math, and/or science midterms and finals -- Lakeland's treat to you for doing well for their prestige. However, the SAT is for your own personal benefit. When it comes down to getting $2,000 more dollars in scholarship money at a university by getting ten more points on the SAT than what your current score is, then you'll understand why you should've put more time in preparing for these tests. Preparing for the tests the same year that you take them is, considered to me, cramming, and you probably won't do as well as you could've if you started off on the right foot all the way back to seventh grade or even elementary school. Yet again, I'm ashamed at myself for not doing this. However, I'm grateful that I was able to get a 1200 on the SAT which led me to be eligible for more scholarship money at the University of Scranton. 

Art and music? Never took them again after seventh grade, unless you count the course 'Music Appreciation' that I undertook in ninth grade which, may I add, was an easy 100 for the year and looked nice on my report card with my other 100's. I understand that there's more courses now such as a computer class and a library class for seventh graders, but those classes came along after I moved on from seventh grade and therefore I have no comment on them. 

Eighth grade? I don't recall much. There was American history. Pay attention in there -- knowing about your nation's history is a very important part to being an American citizen. There are aliens who want to become legal US citizens and must past questions on tests that question them on our nation's history. Another thing students, including myself, took for granted! Yet again you had your English and algebra. Um . . . that's all I want to stress for eighth grade. 

Ninth grade is where your record begins. The grades you got in all the previous years of your schooling no longer apply. It's like a fresh start, but don't screw it up! Many students think they tried hard and did great the last two years so they're going to slack a bit. Ninth grade is where you want to actually start playing the game. When you're a senior sending out your transcript to colleges during the applying process, your ninth grade grades will be on that transcript and looked at by the admissions personnel. Actually, surprise yourself. Try hard and do well and then waltz down to the guidance office two weeks after the second marking period starts and see what your class rank is. I remember going down to see what my ranking was with a group of other people without knowing what this ranking really was -- I was just following my friends for a walk. Upon requesting what rank I was, and to find to my surprise that I was ranked first in my class, a ranking that I still hold to this day, I was shocked. I didn't try that hard in school and to me I felt like I was barely getting by, but here I had this lady at the desk in the guidance office telling me that I was numero uno. So . . . the moral of the story is: strive for excellence and beat everybody else in ranking as it opens up the door for scholarship money and college acceptances. 

I'm done here. If I were to cover the latter years I'd just be repeating myself. However, I do want to stress one final thing: pay attention in geometry! Geometry was my most hated class and I struggled in it to understand the concepts; concepts that I soon forgot the summer following ninth grade. Geometry will come back to haunt you for the rest of your life. When you're doing a derivative problem in AP calculus and it assumes you should know the equation for the area of a circle, you better darn well know the equation for the area of a circle. Geometry will also haunt you in physics. Also, pay attention to trigonometry. Yet again, this will nibble at your behind a lot in calculus and physics. 

Now I'm done here. I hope this column helped you in some way. Have a good day and enjoy learning! 

Sunday, February 22, 2009

O'RLY?

What do you say in a blog entry that introduces you back to the site after a four-month unannounced hiatus? Well, after much thought and strained neurons, I have this thing to say: holy crap, these BBQ flavored corn chips are good! And they're freaking amazing even more because they only cost ninety-nine cents and the bag is pretty much filled to the top! Most of the time when you behold some type of junk food that costs ninety-nine cents, the bag looks relatively big but it's mostly just a lot of empty room at the top with about five pieces of popcorn or two pretzels lying at the bottom. But these corn chips -- these corn chips are not deceptive at all! I would take a picture to promote these godly chips, but unfortunately I have been lacking a functional digital camera for almost over a year due to my very intelligent -insert relative here- standing in front of a water ride at an amusement park taking a picture of us on the ride and very well knowing that -insert pronoun gender here- was standing in front of the splash area. But who's to complain, eh? My camcorder can take pictures, but they're not the best quality. 

I'm sick with a very clogged head so I'm going to go blueskadoo now. Have a good one!

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I'm back on this site. I'll have a future entry very soon telling you about my current life status. Oh, and buddyfoote.com is almost out of service so please return your bookmarks (if anybody out there actually bookmarked this site) back to buddyfoote.blogspot.com. 

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Harvest Apple

I cannot just sit back and watch my whole world disappear.

"I will miss you," the card read. Even though it was first thing in the morning, it made me so sad today. There does not have to be a goodbye. That is what I don't understand. If you make the effort, I make the effort. Graduation is in seven months. I don't want to hear goodbye's all throughout the eighth. I will miss you, too. But please, don't give me a need to miss!

After all we've been through? Not a thought? Never again? What about chances?

I've applied to four colleges, and all are roughly 2-3 hours away from my current place of residence. For some reason, I have zero interest in furthering my education where I am. I feel like I want to branch out, but not so far that I am unreachable. I would never do that. So why is it being done to me?

I had hopes for clarity and closeness, not doubt and distance.

I am here for you all. I wish you all could be there for me. Don't you want to share the experiences with me? I only look forward to sharing them with you! The aspect that makes me sad is that I feel I am already cut from the invite.

No matter what I do, is it never going to help?

Some of my dreams are gone, but my hope is not. The hope that new dreams will take their place.

The twist is, that I barely do anything. I mean, how can I expect something from nothing? I am just worried that if I show action, it will be disregarded.

I guess I just don't want to lose touch with home base.

I am not going anywhere! I want to be right where you all are. Truly and completely. I can be so much better if given the chance. I am hiding most of the time though, but I do want to be seen. Please don't forget.

Well, I know that my blogs have been REALLY confusing lately. In general, I've been fine for the most part. School has been nice, and life has been fun. There are just some issues that I couldn't possibly communicate that bug me a tiny bit. Okay, maybe more than a tiny bit, but enough of a bit. :P I feel like too many aspects of my life have changed already! I wasn't prepared for as many changes so early. I was trying to prepare myself for the changes post- graduation, which honestly, are hard enough. But that is just one of the things though, right there. Give me one solid reason why the changes cannot be GOOD changes. Why do there have to be some bad ones? Will the bad ones ever become good? It is hard to tell.

I feel so much older these days, too. Everyday I look at all the younger students at school, and I just think "wow." I think of when I was that age or in that grade. I think to myself, "Most of the things they are worried about are empty." I am content with the age I am at now. I miss being younger sometimes, but after so long I started to feel very happy with the nice memories from being so young and relieved that chapter of my life is completed. I don't quite know if that makes sense. I guess I just wouldn't want to relive those years but am still happy with what they held.

At the same, I notice that much of what "appears" to happen in adulthood is still so similar to what is happening for us now. I listen to an adult complain and realize the idea is the same as something now, just on a higher level. It is interesting. Lately, more than ever, I find myself questioning and thinking about a lot of psychological stuff.

About two years ago, my friend's mother strongly told me she could see me studying psychology or something in college. My mother used to tell me the same. A few weeks ago, a close teacher told me the same. I was beginning to notice a pattern. It surprised me. I decided to take a look. However, it was a few months ago that I really considered the idea of majoring in Psych in college. The idea has certaintly caught my attention and peaked my interest. I have also always wanted to teach in some way too though. The good thing is that Psych and Education go hand in hand. I guess the point of this whole paragraph is to just say how I feel a bit more solid in what I'd like to study once I reach college. I've been told I could double major in both of those. The job options would increase immensely, and I can choose to get higher degrees and work on a higher level in something. It seems pretty intriguing. I wanted to share this because I like the idea and feel you should know. It is easy for me to eliminate majors I would not want to study, particularly subjects I feel I am weak in. Of course, I can/may always change my mind, but I have a direction. From here I can take any path I want, I guess. xD

This blog is a lot longer than I anticipated. I wish someone else would write something. Practically the whole page is filled with my scrambled mind. :P I hope that is okay. Maybe someone has remembered that I said this phrase once before, but velcro is such a strong substance! I like this blog. I like the fact that I like it. I like that it is still standing. I like that you can read this if you want.

Ohhhh, and I reallyyy like music and friends! (;
I do, ha, good music is playing. It completes the equation of life! Friends make up the first half.
Tootlesssssss.

"Did you even have a clue that it was pretty on the gritty bottom of a van?"

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Time to Time

Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight.
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride!

You use thought to not participate in life. I use thought to not participate in life. Charlie was right. Why do we do that? Why, why, why? Hmm...don't just think, do. Interesting...

Memories are for the making. That is for sure. Although responsibility has to be the main concern. That is important. Then you can board the fun train. It is exhilarating. It defines our youth. :)

I love it. I want it to last. I want it to be just right. I want everyone to be happy. I want to speak up. I want to be heard and hear you.

Listen, just go for it. Go for it so far you can't find your way back right away.

Man, it's so loud in here. Busy, too. It makes everyone excited and feeling loose!

There is someone around you right now that feels exactly how you do. Someone, somewhere, is listening to your heartbeat. They are in the same style of shoes you have on but in a different size.

Dearest,
For some unknown reason, I cannot drop down. The next moment is blurry and only present eyes can see. Don't worry though. If you're good to me, I'll be good to you. That is all we can ever promise to do.

Happy Daylight Savings Time! It is time for sleep, see you next time.

So hear this please,
And watch as your hearts speeds up endlessly,
And look for the stars as the sun goes down.
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound.
Everything, everything's magic. *

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Falling Up

"I'm keeping quiet 'till there is no more sirens.
Lately, it's been hard to keep the hinges on with all the noise.
I'll find my words when there is no one talking.
The room is spinning, I have got no choice.
Be patience, I am getting to the point."

As I sit outside on this more than gorgeous fall day, I can hear the leaves crunch upon the ground around me. The sky is blue with streaks of white cloud. My orange kitten sits on the open window ledge and breathes in the clean air. It is a really nice scene.

I have decided that it is very comforting to feel the support of great people. It makes me feel uncertain as to why someone would ever try to gain the support of one individual if they had a slew of support before the race even began. I want certain people to know that I appreciate their kindness. Certain people I never would have considered during a race have shown huge amounts of admiration. I never really went in search of acknowledgment, it nearly came and found me. I want to take a moment to just thank those certain people I have in mind. I may blush in modesty, because really, they are all too kind. :)

I have seen firsthand the effect of people making decisions and having to live with the consequence of their action. It is saddening to me how minor a choice may be to some, but how large a consequence it can bring. We all have to make choices, and even when some choices don't make sense to us quite yet, I think someday they will. Regret is a difficult concept to live with. I want to wish anyone who has to the best of luck. At the same time, I am a moderately simple person. I would never want to intentionally make a situation harder for anyone, but I would not want to make it too easy either. My advice to everyone out there coping with difficult choices is to really be cautious yet positive about them. Think before you act, but make the most of it. Be caring. People will care right back. I promise. And if they don't, there are enough who do that will make it count.

"It's just that sometimes, people use thought to not participate in life."

Actions speak louder than words. I have grown to love that cliche lately. It rings truth in my ears. I observe around me the actions of those I care about. Some actions I find surprising, others I find beautifully refreshing. Simple human gestures mean a world of difference when you have nothing but void boxes to compare them with. It can be so refreshing to realize the warmth that surrounds you instead of the frigid air you breathe in. Let's act! Even in the theatrical sense [Drama Senior Year is on the way!] Carpe diem, anyone? Friends are best friends. I know I said that before. Grab on to something to look forward to. There is plenty of room, so make a move. Shine like you mean it, don't just smile. But smiling helps. Maybe it is for the better that only the future is within our grasp. However, be careful. Velcro is such a strong substance. I said that before, also. It is just so true though. That is the hardest part. Change is an even stronger force. There is good change and bad change. I was never a fan of either, necessarily, but man, change is tough. I don't know how these trees handle it every year. I need to be stronger. I know that I am not a part of the big picture. I could tell I never was.

"But I miss you like hell."
*

One more thing I want to say is that yes, I will always be here, but I may not always be there. Just keep that in mind. There are better things to do, to think, to feel, and to see. There is no need to meander off the path unless there is a tree down, but you know what, even if there is one, I am going to jump right over it. :)

"I can't remember when the earth turned slowly,
So I just waited with the lights turned out again.
I lost my place, but I can't stop this story.
I'll find my way, but until then I'm only spinning "