Thursday, November 06, 2008

Harvest Apple

I cannot just sit back and watch my whole world disappear.

"I will miss you," the card read. Even though it was first thing in the morning, it made me so sad today. There does not have to be a goodbye. That is what I don't understand. If you make the effort, I make the effort. Graduation is in seven months. I don't want to hear goodbye's all throughout the eighth. I will miss you, too. But please, don't give me a need to miss!

After all we've been through? Not a thought? Never again? What about chances?

I've applied to four colleges, and all are roughly 2-3 hours away from my current place of residence. For some reason, I have zero interest in furthering my education where I am. I feel like I want to branch out, but not so far that I am unreachable. I would never do that. So why is it being done to me?

I had hopes for clarity and closeness, not doubt and distance.

I am here for you all. I wish you all could be there for me. Don't you want to share the experiences with me? I only look forward to sharing them with you! The aspect that makes me sad is that I feel I am already cut from the invite.

No matter what I do, is it never going to help?

Some of my dreams are gone, but my hope is not. The hope that new dreams will take their place.

The twist is, that I barely do anything. I mean, how can I expect something from nothing? I am just worried that if I show action, it will be disregarded.

I guess I just don't want to lose touch with home base.

I am not going anywhere! I want to be right where you all are. Truly and completely. I can be so much better if given the chance. I am hiding most of the time though, but I do want to be seen. Please don't forget.

Well, I know that my blogs have been REALLY confusing lately. In general, I've been fine for the most part. School has been nice, and life has been fun. There are just some issues that I couldn't possibly communicate that bug me a tiny bit. Okay, maybe more than a tiny bit, but enough of a bit. :P I feel like too many aspects of my life have changed already! I wasn't prepared for as many changes so early. I was trying to prepare myself for the changes post- graduation, which honestly, are hard enough. But that is just one of the things though, right there. Give me one solid reason why the changes cannot be GOOD changes. Why do there have to be some bad ones? Will the bad ones ever become good? It is hard to tell.

I feel so much older these days, too. Everyday I look at all the younger students at school, and I just think "wow." I think of when I was that age or in that grade. I think to myself, "Most of the things they are worried about are empty." I am content with the age I am at now. I miss being younger sometimes, but after so long I started to feel very happy with the nice memories from being so young and relieved that chapter of my life is completed. I don't quite know if that makes sense. I guess I just wouldn't want to relive those years but am still happy with what they held.

At the same, I notice that much of what "appears" to happen in adulthood is still so similar to what is happening for us now. I listen to an adult complain and realize the idea is the same as something now, just on a higher level. It is interesting. Lately, more than ever, I find myself questioning and thinking about a lot of psychological stuff.

About two years ago, my friend's mother strongly told me she could see me studying psychology or something in college. My mother used to tell me the same. A few weeks ago, a close teacher told me the same. I was beginning to notice a pattern. It surprised me. I decided to take a look. However, it was a few months ago that I really considered the idea of majoring in Psych in college. The idea has certaintly caught my attention and peaked my interest. I have also always wanted to teach in some way too though. The good thing is that Psych and Education go hand in hand. I guess the point of this whole paragraph is to just say how I feel a bit more solid in what I'd like to study once I reach college. I've been told I could double major in both of those. The job options would increase immensely, and I can choose to get higher degrees and work on a higher level in something. It seems pretty intriguing. I wanted to share this because I like the idea and feel you should know. It is easy for me to eliminate majors I would not want to study, particularly subjects I feel I am weak in. Of course, I can/may always change my mind, but I have a direction. From here I can take any path I want, I guess. xD

This blog is a lot longer than I anticipated. I wish someone else would write something. Practically the whole page is filled with my scrambled mind. :P I hope that is okay. Maybe someone has remembered that I said this phrase once before, but velcro is such a strong substance! I like this blog. I like the fact that I like it. I like that it is still standing. I like that you can read this if you want.

Ohhhh, and I reallyyy like music and friends! (;
I do, ha, good music is playing. It completes the equation of life! Friends make up the first half.
Tootlesssssss.

"Did you even have a clue that it was pretty on the gritty bottom of a van?"

3 comments:

Kimberly A. Suta said...

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Kimberly A. Suta said...

Your writing is very honest.
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Cristina said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


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