Epic Failure

I just want the world to know that I am sorry. So, very, sorry. Growing up is a challenge at times. There is such a large amount of opportunity to learn from mistakes. Sometimes, I feel more sad than others. Sometimes, I just feel confused. At other times, I feel "infinite", just like Charlie did.

I feel as though I wish I wouldn't make so many mistakes along the way. I suppose I just have a lot to study and learn then. One time, a person told me "Wow Caitlin, you have a lot going for you, huh?" I had no response. For some reason, that phrase has been floating in my mind consistently ever since. I have a million things I am so grateful for, and I make myself angry that I act out in ignorance and immaturity as I take those things for granted. It hurts to know how my mistakes affect others. I cannot stand how irresponsible I am sometimes, even with the smallest of errands. I over analyze situations sometimes, in the hopes of finding a way that I could have treated the situation better. Reflecting upon this now, I do it very often. My mind becomes jumbled with situations I have zero control of changing, as they are in the past now.

Over the years, I also noticed how upset I make myself feel about not taking certain chances or going that extra mile with something. I sometimes constrain myself to set standards and have not always been loosely bound. I have missed out on potentially great opportunities this way. It makes me so sad inside when I know others are ceasing the moment and making it count, as I fade behind the curtains living in monotonous routine. It is like I feel the need to punish myself, or I find myself undeserving of what others regularly enjoy. I guess it is just a complicated situation, and nobody will care to understand it. I have to be alright with that though. And trust me, maybe over time, I can be...

I am utterly blind as to what the future has in store. Maybe the store will be filled with empty shelves, maybe it will be filled to the edge and items will be tumbling into the aisles, or maybe, maybe it will just be sparsely filled with torn reduced articles that many people overlook. It can be frightening, I guess, or outright exciting.

I just again, want you, the world, to know that I am sincerely sorry. I messed up. Unfortunately, I only seem to be continuing to mess up. If one already spills the sauce on the floor, dribbling bread crumbs on top of it only leaves more to pick up. I can only hope that I am fortunate enough to learn how to clean up my messes like a "big girl." Maybe I will have another chance at making the right decisions and thinking clearer. I am willing to try my hardest. I don't ever want to give up. The mess just gets sticky sometimes. If I learn from my faults, strive for the gold, smile meaningfully, and put others first, maybe that "infinite" feeling will visit me more often.