Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Falling Up

"I'm keeping quiet 'till there is no more sirens.
Lately, it's been hard to keep the hinges on with all the noise.
I'll find my words when there is no one talking.
The room is spinning, I have got no choice.
Be patience, I am getting to the point."

As I sit outside on this more than gorgeous fall day, I can hear the leaves crunch upon the ground around me. The sky is blue with streaks of white cloud. My orange kitten sits on the open window ledge and breathes in the clean air. It is a really nice scene.

I have decided that it is very comforting to feel the support of great people. It makes me feel uncertain as to why someone would ever try to gain the support of one individual if they had a slew of support before the race even began. I want certain people to know that I appreciate their kindness. Certain people I never would have considered during a race have shown huge amounts of admiration. I never really went in search of acknowledgment, it nearly came and found me. I want to take a moment to just thank those certain people I have in mind. I may blush in modesty, because really, they are all too kind. :)

I have seen firsthand the effect of people making decisions and having to live with the consequence of their action. It is saddening to me how minor a choice may be to some, but how large a consequence it can bring. We all have to make choices, and even when some choices don't make sense to us quite yet, I think someday they will. Regret is a difficult concept to live with. I want to wish anyone who has to the best of luck. At the same time, I am a moderately simple person. I would never want to intentionally make a situation harder for anyone, but I would not want to make it too easy either. My advice to everyone out there coping with difficult choices is to really be cautious yet positive about them. Think before you act, but make the most of it. Be caring. People will care right back. I promise. And if they don't, there are enough who do that will make it count.

"It's just that sometimes, people use thought to not participate in life."

Actions speak louder than words. I have grown to love that cliche lately. It rings truth in my ears. I observe around me the actions of those I care about. Some actions I find surprising, others I find beautifully refreshing. Simple human gestures mean a world of difference when you have nothing but void boxes to compare them with. It can be so refreshing to realize the warmth that surrounds you instead of the frigid air you breathe in. Let's act! Even in the theatrical sense [Drama Senior Year is on the way!] Carpe diem, anyone? Friends are best friends. I know I said that before. Grab on to something to look forward to. There is plenty of room, so make a move. Shine like you mean it, don't just smile. But smiling helps. Maybe it is for the better that only the future is within our grasp. However, be careful. Velcro is such a strong substance. I said that before, also. It is just so true though. That is the hardest part. Change is an even stronger force. There is good change and bad change. I was never a fan of either, necessarily, but man, change is tough. I don't know how these trees handle it every year. I need to be stronger. I know that I am not a part of the big picture. I could tell I never was.

"But I miss you like hell."
*

One more thing I want to say is that yes, I will always be here, but I may not always be there. Just keep that in mind. There are better things to do, to think, to feel, and to see. There is no need to meander off the path unless there is a tree down, but you know what, even if there is one, I am going to jump right over it. :)

"I can't remember when the earth turned slowly,
So I just waited with the lights turned out again.
I lost my place, but I can't stop this story.
I'll find my way, but until then I'm only spinning "

Sunday, October 12, 2008

For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

I have to say that I probably broke a record this weekend in the writing of four essays, five if you count a two paragraph mini-statement. I also read six short stories, enjoyed the fall foliage, ran into a counter, ate a juicy apple, and overslept to the point where I woke up with a headache.

I also have to say that all of the blogs I have ever written here are invaluable to me. This weekend particularly, I find myself searching for past entries in order to take bits and pieces for use in my current essays. I love reading my old entries. They portray so much detail in a life so vague. Reflecting upon my entries at times when I was feeling happiest bring a shy smile to my face because some times were just so good. I think I will miss those memories very much, but at the same time I want to build new ones. I want to be able to share those new ones, too.

I have written a few entries here lately because this blog is the only piece still connecting me with the other side. I am not sure if this bridge I am crossing can ever be fully rebuilt, but I might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

One more thing. In noticing my older entries, I was taken aback by how full of color they were. I had quotes; I had pictures. It was really nice to look at. I think that when I have the time again I will try to increase the appeal of my entries once more. I don't see why not, as it serves as a nice contrast to the bland text we all know and love.

I am going to go and have myself a cookie right now. Then I am going to resume my essays and maybe let myself be taken away through the verses of music. I hope you have a really good one, because let's face it, nobody deserves to have anything less.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Epic Failure

I just want the world to know that I am sorry. So, very, sorry. Growing up is a challenge at times. There is such a large amount of opportunity to learn from mistakes. Sometimes, I feel more sad than others. Sometimes, I just feel confused. At other times, I feel "infinite", just like Charlie did.

I feel as though I wish I wouldn't make so many mistakes along the way. I suppose I just have a lot to study and learn then. One time, a person told me "Wow Caitlin, you have a lot going for you, huh?" I had no response. For some reason, that phrase has been floating in my mind consistently ever since. I have a million things I am so grateful for, and I make myself angry that I act out in ignorance and immaturity as I take those things for granted. It hurts to know how my mistakes affect others. I cannot stand how irresponsible I am sometimes, even with the smallest of errands. I over analyze situations sometimes, in the hopes of finding a way that I could have treated the situation better. Reflecting upon this now, I do it very often. My mind becomes jumbled with situations I have zero control of changing, as they are in the past now.

Over the years, I also noticed how upset I make myself feel about not taking certain chances or going that extra mile with something. I sometimes constrain myself to set standards and have not always been loosely bound. I have missed out on potentially great opportunities this way. It makes me so sad inside when I know others are ceasing the moment and making it count, as I fade behind the curtains living in monotonous routine. It is like I feel the need to punish myself, or I find myself undeserving of what others regularly enjoy. I guess it is just a complicated situation, and nobody will care to understand it. I have to be alright with that though. And trust me, maybe over time, I can be...

I am utterly blind as to what the future has in store. Maybe the store will be filled with empty shelves, maybe it will be filled to the edge and items will be tumbling into the aisles, or maybe, maybe it will just be sparsely filled with torn reduced articles that many people overlook. It can be frightening, I guess, or outright exciting.

I just again, want you, the world, to know that I am sincerely sorry. I messed up. Unfortunately, I only seem to be continuing to mess up. If one already spills the sauce on the floor, dribbling bread crumbs on top of it only leaves more to pick up. I can only hope that I am fortunate enough to learn how to clean up my messes like a "big girl." Maybe I will have another chance at making the right decisions and thinking clearer. I am willing to try my hardest. I don't ever want to give up. The mess just gets sticky sometimes. If I learn from my faults, strive for the gold, smile meaningfully, and put others first, maybe that "infinite" feeling will visit me more often.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Peeka Boo

We Live

Everybody just wants to make it count.

I was a little girl who got lost in the waves,
but I am a swimmer. I don't want to drown.

I took a fall.

Embrace yourself.

Save me? No. You deserve to be saved more.

I'd be there holding on for life.

Bring me back to life, oh, the colors that my eyes have never seen.

Don't cry, please.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you are sad.

All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.

I would never do anything to influence. Please believe me.

It just got complicated so fast.

If anything is my fault, I will take any blame, but I never meant to harm. Never, ever.

Headstrong.

Life is such a gift.

How will the story end?

Please don't hate me. Please, please.

I'm so scared.

What if I will forever be stuck in this hole?

I got tangled up in myself.

Happy Birthday.

It is so confusing, I know. I understand. I relate. I care.

I am crawling on the ground, and I found I could fly.

Think I sound crazy? Maybe. Whatever. What's it all about?

I miss this.

Stand up and shout.

The truth is, we're winning but we're losing.

I've felt that way. It's terrible. I understand. I would do the same thing. But I swear, I swear.

Give me a reason that we can believe in.

Selfish and disgusting, unfair and untruthful.

Beautiful and intelligent, caring and honest.

Memories.

Tomorrow is just another day.

Forever will I keep that.

We're young. Don't ever forget that.

Friends talk. Harmlessly, I mean it.

Pick up the phone. Nobody's home.

I want to scream aloud that I'll be okay.

Makeup and take-out food. Count those reasons why.

My mind is spinning around.

I need to breathe.

Don't leave. Please, don't leave. Please.

Yesterday is gone. I saw it on the calendar.

Humans make mistakes. My goal is to learn from each and every one.

Maybe I just need to wake up.

Rocky emotions.

It's okay, it's alright.

No matter what, I am always here. Hate me or not, I would never leave you hanging.

And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape.

I let the quiet get the best of me.

Doubts and insecurities.

Please unlock the door. Only the special ones are allowed in.

I hope you don't blame me. Please.

I failed, and I'm ready to be shown how.

I fear you hate me.

Forgiveness.

Hate is such a strong word, kids. Use it sparingly.

Obstacles. Not one did I set up intentionally. Never would I hurt so much.

Forced to live in this mess I made.

I can't ask you to give what you already gave.

Friends are best friends.

I'm sorry. Maybe you can find your smile again. That is all I would ask for.

I knew you were something special in the third seat.

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup.
They slither while they pass,
They slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy,
are drifting thorough my open mind.

Rumbles of thunder are inevitable. Only the strongest survive.

Hope.

We live, We love,
We forgive, and never give up.