An "Immature" Rant

It wouldn't be appropriate to have an organized rant start at any place, so I'm just going to search my mind and vent while I progress through this entry. The point of this entry is rather personal. I don't intend for the opposite faction to whom this is directed to to read it, however I need to get some hair off of my chest and what better place to do that than my good ol' blog. Some topics covered here may explain for my absence from the blog (which will hopefully change come summer). And here we go...

I'm being labeled as a very untrustworthy person lately. In all regard, I would like to reflect back that this is an untrue statement. I did an action in the past that caused some havoc, but doesn't the million honest things I ever did dominate that puny little one. I think so. However, it seems that I have a history of running my mouth off, breaking trusts, etc. First of all, normally whatever goes in one of my ears stays within my memory, never to be released by means of vocals or through my fingers dancing across the keyboard. For years I have been known as a lock box -- in which people would deposit their secrets within me and I would live with them. Why? Because I know when to talk about what when. If Person A says they like Person B and I see Person A talking to Person B while I'm talking to Person C, I sometimes get the urge to tell person C what's on my mind relating to A and B: but I stop myself. I keep my word. I keep the secret safe. However, when I have secrets with others that possess and mess with my feelings, then I have a tendency to take action toward these secrets. Thus, I burst. And that's exactly what happened to me in this one event. One faction versus another faction was the problem: and I was the middle man. I was not being forced literally to pick a side, but I felt that cold heartless air pulling at me from all directions. One side telling me bad things about a friend; the other side that if I were to reveal personal information would ruin a friendship. It was only a matter of time before my balance became off-centered and one faction would get to me first. More or less, this didn't exactly happened. Nobody won me. My emotions, on the other hand, destroyed me. These secrets seemed too severe and they needed to be known. Action had to take place. People could've got hurt. Innocent people. And then everything afterwards flowed from this. Like building blocks, my feelings toward the enemy faction began to stack up.

It all started when love came into play. However, at this point, I was the middle man, minding my own business. Guy liked girl, enemy of guy dated girl. Bad picture. Then more conflicts. Couples versus non-couples, within our intimate group. Then bad feelings. Misguided feelings. Wrong information was leaking out. Busy schedule crushed girl. Crushed girl crushed guy. Crushed guy hated enemy guy for crushing girl. It happens. Finally, guy's feelings fell apart, apparently hurting girl more, thus hurting other guy, causing hatred for guy's enemy to increase. It built up, and up, and up. Finally, guy was pissed. Girl's guy wanted done. Guy dumped girl. Guy who likes girl was pissed that guy hurt her. And then it was just out-of-hand. Recall now that I'm in the middle of this: best friends with both guys. I didn't know what to do. I talked to each guy differently. One guy started to turn the other guy into a devil. I was confused. I was beaten up by the storm and left to die on a deserted desert island. My feelings and my thoughts were trying to escape like enraged dogs, but I kept them tame and in-line.

To get a bit off-topic, I had a conflict with girl way before the holocaust of all of this. It all began, more or less, over a video game. A bit of programmed text with a bunch of pixels to sooth the eyes. To be more specific: the game was World of Warcraft. This girl got me into the game, thank goodness for that. However, I hated the server that I was on at the time: a PVP server known as Azgalor. I wanted to go to a PVE server. Plus, I didn't like the Alliance too much and wanted to try a character on the Horde. Well, God forbid, I changed my server, deleted my old toon, and as proof created a video showing the deletion of my old toon. The proof was there in case anybody doubted my claims. I showed the video to two people, and I guess it somehow got to this girl. Well, she was pissed. She thought I dumped her and everybody else that I knew on the server and was forever no longer friends with her. Even though I could've talked to her easily at school, on AIM, etc. Sorry if I wanted to do what I want for once. The world doesn't revolve around you. These thoughts flourished in my mind for a while, and it sparked my anger a bit. However, did I ever reveal it: no.

Then one day, five of us (girl, guy-dating-girl, guy-who-hates-guy-dating-girl, girl's brother, and me) went to the iCafe in Olyphant. It is an internet cafe. They wanted to go there to . . . play WoW. Wow! I took my laptop. Well, I ended up sitting at a small circular table in the cold, dark corner of the computer room while they were all together in a group playing together. That pissed me off a bit, considering that I felt like I received frostbite on my toes. The point being: the whole time I was there, this girl didn't say one word to me. Even in the car there and on the way home, there was barely a word spoken. I tried talking to the guys, but she would butt in and ruin the conversation, considering I had no room to talk. Yet again, I kept these feelings intact. And also keep in mind, the two enemy guys were too getting to my head as well as my opposition toward this girl.

Girl and I barely ever spoke since then. I kept my mouth closed. However, it's amazing that nowadays, whatever she says in opposition against me concerning this holocaust that occurred, she seems to know so much about me. Oh, he used to hurt guy all the time through his actions. Oh, he has a history of running his mouth off. Oh, he used to think he was trustworthy and that I could value his friendship: blah, blah, blah. What friendship? It was hell since that day that I mentioned. I even told guy-who-likes-girl-and-hates-girl's-ex-boyfriend that I hated her in some regards, and he stated that he respected my honesty toward him in that respect.

However, my relationship with that guy too also went away, fast. I never wanted to hurt guy. We were best friends forever, and I still want to be best friends, but guy likes girl so much that whatever I do against girl, he feels like he has to be her guardian (even though it's confirmed that girl doesn't like him more than a friend). Really, I respect him for defending her, but in some case scenarios, it was rather nosy. Who am I to talk really? I seemed to butt into the affair of other guy and girl's post-break-up. But, guess what? My original hatred toward girl allowed me to easily light my fires off against her. Oh, excuse me, my 'stubborn fires'. It allowed me to butt in, at least in my book. And as guy must be a guardian for girl, I was being a guardian for other guy. Fortunately, he has about four other guardians now too. I'm not mad at guy, but he's mad at me. I'm always available if you wish to speak to me once again, but I'm not going to surrender and apologize. Apologize? For what? I played the role my heart told me to. I do, however, apologize for revealing your personal information, but more than half of it was already common sense to these peers. They knew. They knew without being told. They knew through their hearts. I could've never spoke a single word and this situation would probably still be going on. And regardless, this was the first time I ever spoke against you, contrary to what girl said: "It happened all the time." However, you made me think differently about other guy through your words, to the point to where I would've said something to him and then my ass would've been grass. The things you said, however, were not true. I lost respect to you for a bit because of it. And during that time was when I burst forth some info to other guy. It was only right to do, especially since I was concerned about other guy's safety toward some things you were saying. For example, "I may honestly hurt him." That's not something to fool around about.

As of now, this is my shortened side of the story. I have other things to do pertaining to the psychology fair. Therefore, I leave you with my words. Consider them. Mock them. Rip them up. I don't care. The only point of the matter is that I have spoken. Excuse my impertinence in any regards.

Have a good one.