More Confused Feelings

I think writing a blog at this time will be the only way I can slightly calm myself down. I was going to continue taking a break from blogging because I have been so busy, enjoying the new life I have created for myself. However, getting things off my chest is the only way I can handle some situations right now. I'll start on a lighter note, saying that my busy-ness is due to being heavily involved in the school play, learning chemistry, and loving my three best friends with every ounce of energy I can muster. Today I had a great day. I came up the school around noon to paint sets, then my best friend joined me, then later we went to a new person's house from drama and enjoyed hanging out there with some other drama people. It sure feels refreshing to mesh with a new crowd with your long time pal(s) by your side.

It's really strange how human we all are. When the lights go off at night, and we lay our head down on the pillow, our heart is beating throughout the night because we are vibrantly alive with feelings and emotions, thoughts and fears, dreams and wishes. We are scared to be alone. Humans seem to be deathly afraid of being alone, growing up, and being alone...their entire life. Every book, movie, TV show, song, they all revolve around some sort of message. Someone looking for love, losing love, needing love, fearing love. It is as though our main purpose is to meet and keep enough close relationships in our life that we never have to worry about being alone. As I am growing up and experiencing different things, I feel more mature each time. It's like that scene in a movie you see over and over of some couple getting married. Before it actually happens to you, you can sit there and say you know what they feel like all you want, but truly, you have NO idea until it happens to you. That goes the same with everything else. You can pretend you know what it "must" feel like to be starving to death, but unless you have no food in your hands for weeks, you have no voice.

I am not even sure where I am going to continue to take this blog entry, but I just need to release this energy somewhere. I would like to say that I consider myself a decent person. I try to be very accepting of everyone and most of all, a good friend. I am not out to hurt anyone, and I believe in treating people the way you want to be treated. But if I went and treated people the way some treat me, the response I am sure would be devastating. I've been warned quite often though that some day someone may take advantage of that kindness and naivety. I still worry that may be the case because once I get to know a person, I automatically assume they are good and do good things, yet a few times my view has been shattered. I have a large class of students at school, and my whole life I thought highly of each and every one. Therefore I would act surprised when I heard they did this or that because I felt they were better than that. It wouldn't upset me too much, but it would enough because I guess I am just a caring person sometimes. It only gets very sad if some people decide to throw stuff in your face and change their entire personality in a negative way. That sure is the saddest. When the nice little girl you knew from the playground has shifted her whole personality in a matter of three high school years. Now growing up and shifting in a good way is wonderful, but other than that it can be extremely hurtful to watch.

I have been feeling very sick this week. It is a true shame too. I am trying my hardest to feel better, but every time I get a little closer, I am hit with a wave of pain. I feel like going on the computer is no fun anymore and I dislike spending time on it unless necessary. I miss my little website so I plan to fix it up soon, to hopefully revive my enjoyment of a hobby I enjoyed way way ago. Otherwise I feel like speaking to people in person and spending time with my friends, who honestly mean the world to me, is a much better way to be spending my time. Sure, chatting and texting whatever is cute at first, but nothing beats face to face conversation. Not only does it show the person cares enough to listen to your voice, but that they are confident in themselves and what they have to say.

Speaking of my friends, I don't care how many issues come and go in our lives, if you have an unbreakable friendship, you should do everything to never ever ever lose that. I don't think I could get through certain things if I didn't have such great girl friends. And even people who you may not be fond of enough to be good friends with, you should be kind towards them. Saying mean things behind their back will get you nowhere but 100% friendless and depressed in the end. It can turn into an evil cycle, just you wait and see.

I think that it is very important to not a judge a book by it's cover. What you see on the outside may look great, but what if it doesn't look great? What if the outside is torn and bruised, fuzzy or imperfect? Are you going to just cast it aside in an incredibly shallow and careless way just because the outside wasn't good enough of a "grabber?" If that is so, nobody should give you the time of day until you appreciate things in life for more than their appearance. What may be hidden underneath that ragged cover could be a story that relates to you more than you could ever imagine.

On that thought, I try as a teenager to avoid certain situations, but I suppose that being a teenager comes with certain excitements as well as tragedies, and in order to continue trudging forward we all have to have our turn at every aspect.

I guess life is one big lesson with many tests. I think we have to be careful with the chances we take because some may be worth the fall, but others may have you lose it all. However, when our chance is gone, it could be for the best or the biggest regret of our life. I am mostly a believer in things happening for a reason. Things break so others could be built. I hope this is so.

I'm looking forward to keeping my head up high and making the most of every step I take, no matter how many tears I shed or smiles I share. It is just a choice you make. Thank you and goodbye.