Change of Plans

I had a revelation. Actually, more of a breakdown, if you will. :P Yesterday evening I went practice driving for a good chunk of time. It went as well as my previous times, until we were heading home. :P Now that I think of it, maybe even while I was 'practice driving' I felt as though as I was holding something back inside of me, and I guess I was.

I turned sixteen back in January and haven't gotten my permit yet, but like I said in a blog about two entries ago, I had come to this 'plan' that I'd definately go before school started again and then I'd do this, followed by this etc which would in turn kick-start my driving priviledge. The one and only reason I was going to do that was because I figured I 'should' start learning how to drive a good amount of time before I go off to college by myself where I wouldn't want driving to be on the list of my worries. I did not want to drive, so that was pretty much my only reason for considering it. :P Yeah, maybe you are super eager to drive and will start the day you turn 16, or maybe you find it incredibly easy, but guess what, I don't, and I have come to the conclusion that I am simply not ready..

On our way home from the parking lot I was practicing in, I'm not sure what 'set me off', but I found myself crying, tears just started to fall from my eyes and I couldn't help it so I just let them flow. It was pretty sad looking back, but I suppose there was a reason for it. The car was pulled over even, and I was asked what is wrong? what is wrong? and I just kept crying, until finally within tear-choked gasps I nodded that it's just because I am so very scared to start driving, it frustrates me more than anything else, I do not want to learn how, and I just kept repeating that I don't like driving, I do not like anything about it, and I wish I never ever have to do this. The thing is, that is truthfully how I feel. I'm scared to death because I feel like it could almost be called a guaranteed death sentence. I also dislike all the stuff there is to learn about it. I mean, the side mirrors are misleading beyond control and it all makes no sense to me. I cannot judge distance for the life of me, numbers aren't my strong point let alone can I measure distance with my eyes, and I lack common sense. I am sure this will all come with practice as I learn, but I simply don't want to learn how. Really and sincerely, I have no care in this world at this moment to learn anything about how to drive. I just don't care about it now. =( I don't even have a reason or a need to drive. My parents don't mind taking me when I have to go places. I just wish sometimes I could walk everywhere or ride my bike. :P I really don't know where this emotion came from, but it hit me hard in the car ride home, and it made me realize that I don't have to be in a rush to do something I don't want to do yet, or something that makes me so scared. =/

Therefore, after taking a day to think about it a lot, I decided on my own I don't want to go take my permit test and start learning how to drive until next summer. I'm going to wait another year. Frankly, there is no need to rush, and I'd still have plenty of time to learn before college. That way, I can learn 11th grade schoolwork this year and focus on that and my SATs rather than driving which would only be a distraction and what I feel as too much to handle. =/ I've always been behind my peers doing everything else, so I guess this just goes to show I'll still be the same. :P Seriously, I am the opposite of what the stereotype of a sixteen year old girl should be. I'm not ready to drive, not ready to have a job, not ready for a boyfriend, not ready for college, not ready for growing up is more like it. :P I think it's in my natural character to have to get over my fear of doing something first and waiting until I am personally ready to try something new. I remember I still had training wheels on my bike a little longer than most kids because I was scared to learn how to balance myself. I remember my dad just let go of holding onto the bike without me knowing and I was riding the bike myself the whole time. Now it's been years of getting used to riding a bike, and look at me now, I love my bicycle and ride it as often as I can. Another example was with swimming. I learned again, later than most kids, how to swim on my own. I remember crying in the pool when I was like nine years old because I was scared my head would go under and I'd drown. Today, I love swimming with a passion and have learned diving. Crazy huh? This can go to show that maybe driving will be the same way for me, considering I am a late-bloomer at life. Once I get over my initial fears and am given that little unknown push into learning how, I'll get used to it quick and really start to enjoy that responsibility. I do think I'll continue practice driving with my father once in a while though. I find learning the basics will [hopefully] help ease myself into this.

Well there, I guess you have it. Caitlin won't be thinking about her permit until next year at the least. ;P And I am perfectly comfortable with that in everyway. =)